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The JOY of Stewardessing
Written by Anita Valium   

If you have not been keeping tabs on this feature, the please allow me to introduce myself and tell you my take on the whole recruitment/crew agency thing. Most crew publications include at least one article per issue explaining in detail and four part harmony how to best present yourself, how to write a successful CV, interview techniques, and all manner of helpful stuff you probably already know. I feel there are significantly more interesting nuggets of information on this subject. So, noticing a clear gap, nay chasm of useful facts and particulars to impart on jobseekers (useful meaning entertaining), I appointed myself as the saviour of crew. Well, saviour only in so much as I want to share my hints and amusing tales. If you want to know how to screw up interviews, lose your job, or just really bug your fellow crew, read on my pretties, read on….

When I first started my illustrious career (ahem!) as a crew agent, my first duty was to interview and place stewardesses. What a very interesting and diverse group of people. That was a serious comment, not a sarcastic one, and something that surprised me. The reason I was allocated this group was because the other crew agent did not like them, calling them “flaky” and finding them difficult to handle. She preferred to interview Captains, Engineers and senior crew. Which was ironic because all these lovely groups all have their own interesting and unique foibles and quirky aspects to their personalities too. I’ll get to that another time. Not today. Today it’s all about the ladies.

My stews and me… well I built up quite a reputation that season as being the local pimp. Boats came to me for girls of all pedigrees and calibers filling my days with chitchat and interviews about “my girls”. And I loved my girls.

Today I had three stew interviews one after the other and as they were such a veritable variety pack I wanted to share my afternoon with you. Are you sitting comfortably? Good, then let’s begin.

The first one was good, but after she left I felt exhausted. She was a tiny little Aussie thing, very sweet and very pretty with beautiful long raven black hair, but HOLY COW she spoke like a gopher on amphetamines. I swear there was smoke wisping out of her ears her jaw was moving so fast. Afterwards a colleague asked me what size her pupils were... She was actually really good, and although no boat experience, she would be easy to place having been a 1st class airline girl for 2 years plus having lots of service experience too. I could definitely use the words “energetic” and “enthusiastic” in her write up.

The second girl looked, quite frankly, like she had been repeatedly shagged through a hedge backwards. Clearly up after all night partying and although the effort had been made to put some make up on, it appeared she had attempted to apply her mascara with her eyes closed and used her foot to hold the brush. This was indicated by the fact that half her eyelashes were in one large black clump and the rest of the mascara was in fact, nowhere near her lashes but kind of splattered all around her eyes. Her hair was sporting that "I passed out in a funny position on: the floor and an open bottle of Jagermeister/a man/my friend's dog (delete as applicable)" type look. And the irony? She’s also a hairdresser. I had fun with that one.

"So, do you think you're a good hairdresser?"

"Yes, I would like to think so."

"Reee-heeeeeally. Moving on...."

Then came number three, oh dear, oh dear. Sweet, smartly turned out, polite... But she had a little problem. You know how after a long night partying, some people get those little white bits at the corner of their mouths? Well multiply that by 11, and add a bottle of dish detergent and you'll get an idea of this one.... She didn't so much have little white flecks of saliva, as foamed at the mouth like a rabid hamster. I'm sure that a mega-million pound yacht owner wants to see her drooling over the foie gras canapés she's serving him. And her English was less than Manuel in Fawlty Towers. A fascinating conversation s-l-o-w-l-y followed, with some sign language. We eventually deduced that she had never set foot on a yacht, nor a boat of any sort, not even a ferry. And no, not even a pedalo… oh, and she can’t swim.

"Why do you want to work on a yacht?"

Big smile and: "Dey looook nice."

“Riiiiiight…”

All in all I call it a successful day. One out of three was not bad and hey, I got a free foam party at my desk from the creature behind door number three. I wonder what joys the Variety Club Sunshine Coach will be bringing to my door today? I can't wait for the new delivery of window lickers.

Have a splendid “weekend”. Please, tune in next month for another enlightening installment from the world of crew placement.

“Bring them forth unto me and I shall make them stewardesses.”


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