Every crew publication known to man tells you how you should conduct yourself at an interview.  I have no time for such sensible advice, it´s no fun to read.  So, bear with me if you would, I´d love to give you a few handy hints for what NOT to do at your agent´s interview.

Make a good first impression.

It´s best not to arrive stoned/high/drunk.  Have a wash before you roll up, I met a guy a few weeks back who not only smelt like the drain in the back of a brewery, he had the biggest, dirtiest chunks of eye fug I have ever seen.  Looked like he had a fight with the sandman and the sandman beat him in the face with his sandy shovel.  I was waiting for a bit to dry out, fall off, and shatter the glass top on my desk.  The engineer who had to vomit in my bathroom one morning after a whole 2 minutes of “oh maaan last night was wiiiiiild” strangely enough had his CV shredded and record deleted.

Girls, you´re probably going to be interviewed by a woman, probably one that´s past her prime and a bit squidgy round the edges, who remembers the days she could wear hotpants in the street without seeing grown men fleeing, screaming and clawing at their eyes, as a distant memory.  For this reason I´d recommend you wear something crew uniform like.  Not hotpants/miniskirt/bikinis.  This is a professional interview and women can be jealous old bats, if you look that good she might place you on a hooker boat and laugh about it afterwards.

Boys, don´t arrive at the interview with a skateboard and your ass hanging out of your pants.  Skateboards, sadly, do not mean mature, professional individual who´s serious about a career in yachting.  Last summer a young man arrived on his skateboard, maybe 20 years old, floppy blonde hair and braces on his teeth, looking for a deckhand job, with his girlfriend in tow – she was wearing rollerblades and the full on elbow/kneepad ensemble.  Cute huh?  No.  Not cute.  Why? Because she was literally old enough to be his mum.  I wondered if I´d have to call an ambulance or offer her a cup of tea whilst we waited for her hip replacement.

Don´t start any sentence with “I don´t want to tell you how to do your job but…”

So DON´T.  I´m pretty good at what I do, I have had a fair amount of practice, so please don´t tell me how to do my job.

Don´t tell me I´m wrong.

I am a 30 year old woman.  I am never wrong.  Ever.

Don´t cough all over your hands then offer them for a hand shake.

That’s just disgusting.

Don´t flirt with me.

I´m married.  You may be irresistible to all the girls you meet but please, I may look young and be cheerful but I´m old and bitter.  And besides, going on a hot date with a 19yr old is not in my top list of things to do; although I guess he could wait in the car and oil the wheels on his skateboard whilst I go get some beers.

The point of an interview with a crew agent is to get them on your side and make them WANT to place you.  I read a blog from some complete muppet slating us agents, saying how we don´t care about crew etc etc violins poor me, but the truth is we really do.  When I meet a goodie, I go out of my way to find them a job.

I hope that helps.  Enjoy your interview.