No Matter What You Take From Meme
by Stewardess Sandra ChanceAfter a charter on Yacht Alcatraz the female crew would commiserate with one another over smokes and beers. This Circle of Empathy would usually consist of a game of “Compare and Contrast the Injuries Caused by Captain Bligh’s Boat” and “How Many Times Did You Cry This Week?” Although charter #3 was not the charter that my legs were so badly swollen that I could not bend my knees and had to march from one place to another like the Gestapo, I did wind up in tears twice that week that transpired into severe hyperventilation from child-like sobbing. These tears of anguish and pain occurred not over a death in the family or a relationship break-up but rather over a bowl of chocolate M & M’s and a cappuccino machine.
As a stewardess on Yacht Alcatraz, one of my numerous mundane tasks was to keep the snack bowl refilled so that the guests could consume gluttonous amounts at free will. This chore of fetching cashews and M & M’s from the galley became an incredibly monotonous routine because when the bowl became slightly depleted, Captain Bligh would throw an unnecessary temper tantrum that opened up Pandora’s Box. I would then rush to the galley in a mad frenzy to avoid the flogging and to replenish the bowl while Bligh continued to storm in madness over the atrocity. Three days into the charter, while the faces of the guests were covered in bad American chocolate and their lips sprinkled with salt from the nuts, they kindly asked me to stop bringing the snack bowl out in fears of weight gain during their dream vacation. Ultimately, my goal was to give them ten pounds that they would never shed once they returned home, but that aside, I realized that their simple request had put me in dire straights. I was left to make an executive decision over the M & M issue and my executive issue was vetoed by the crew. Now, I’m not sure if I started crying because my job title had been put into perspective over chocolate colored candies or because Bligh had destroyed my dignity but I was unaware that round two would occur moments after I splashed cold water on my engorged eye lids.
Shortly after my period of mourning, the guests asked for cappuccinos. Eight of them. Rolling a large boulder uphill would have been easier and I silently cursed them and their Starbucks 2% Skim Milk Mocha Iced Double Latte Hold the Whip Cream Extra Splenda To Go order. Cappuccino machines have always been a foe. For twelve years of working in the restaurant industry I have miraculously managed to escape its time consuming clutch. “I’m sorry, Sir, the cappuccino machine isn’t working this evening” will absolutely not fly on Yacht Alcatraz. Not only am I under the fifteen minute time sucking spell of Captain Bligh’s one hit wonder antique cappuccino blaster but then add the “Yacht Alcatraz Way” (synopsis: Captain Bligh making every task as confusing, difficult, and daunting as possible for the entire crew), and the customized drink melodrama with myself as the lead role, the performance of making their eight libations lasted a good hour without a standing ovation. It just wasn’t very cool that Captain Bligh shut the generators off right in the middle of my espresso brewing endeavors. After serving the self proclaimed Alcatraz Royalties, I proceeded down below to crew’s quarters where I pathetically blubbered underneath my blanket and simultaneously longed to be in my mother’s womb again.
I wish I could say that I am being overly dramatic recounting these memories but when someone pulverizes your spirit into a bloody pulp day after day after day it’s inevitable that you’ll emotionally crumble. If I wanted to go to boot camp I would have signed up for the military and the psychological abuse that I was undergoing from Bligh was not mentioned in my overall job description. I did it though, I worked the entire season as promised; this might attest to my stupidity or denote a will to survive. Bligh and I would exchange words from time to time because I am not a woman to be silenced. And in the end Bligh got what he deserved and I walked away with dignity that I had not felt since I signed up for Alcatraz. But that was to come much later in the year only after many tears were to assemble a montage of excruciating memories of Captain Bligh and Yacht Alcatraz.